What to say to someone who has lost their baby or child?
A friend or family member has lost a child. Whether the loss was expected or unexpected makes no difference; in either case, the news is deeply painful and brings immense grief. What do you say to someone who has lost a child or baby? What do you do? There is no set script for how to support people facing such a terrible loss, and every relationship is different. Below, we offer guidance based on the experiences of many to help point you in the right direction.
The world is turned upside down
The news that a child or baby has died comes as a devastating shock; what sorrow. In the initial weeks, the world is turned upside down, not only for the affected parent(s) but also for immediate family and friends. Communication is unlikely to be the top priority during this time. Yet, messages of support are still deeply appreciated, even in that early period. Just don’t always expect a reply. Later in the grieving process, there are weeks of loneliness. For many, life moves on—but not for your loved one. So, reaching out again at that specific time can make a world of difference.
5 tips based on our experience
- Be open: say that you don't know what to say
- Let me help you...
- I am here for you!
- Which day would be convenient for a visit?
- Really don't know what to say? Send them a card
A few observations and things that really don't help
- "Everything will be okay"
- Well-intentioned advice like ‘just try again’
- And the saddest one: not getting in touch…
1. Be open: say that you don't know what to say
Because it is difficult to know what the right thing to say or do is, it often remains painfully silent. Fortunately, that doesn't have to be the case. To break the ice, it is best to be honest. Just say: ‘I don’t really know what to say,’ or: ‘I notice that I’m finding it hard to find the right words.’ You can also say: ‘I’m thinking of you.’ You will see that connection and understanding develop. The conversation will get going naturally, and any tension will disappear. After all, you are only human.
2. Let me help you....
Let me help you with the groceries or cooking. Let me help you walk the dog. Let me help you change the beds. Offer help where you can. Try to be as specific as possible about how you can help someone. That way, they don't have to think about it themselves and just answer ‘yes’.
3. Say: "I am here for you"
It is one of the worst things that can happen: losing a child. A child's birth and death are etched in memory forever. There is no standard for the duration of the mourning period. During such a time, the support of loved ones you can turn to for tears, a hug, or simply to be together is worth its weight in gold. A tip for you: stay by the side of the grieving person as they go through their journey. Say: "I am here for you." Mean it, and support through thick and thin.
4. Which day would be convenient for a visit?
Humans are social beings. We thrive on personal interactions, especially with those we feel comfortable with. During difficult and emotional times, it is incredibly valuable to offer support and visit regularly, even if only for a short while. However, always try to take the parent(s)' energy level into account. In short: coordinate with the family as much as possible and visit at convenient times.
5. Do you really not know what to say to parents who've lost their child? Send a card!
Are you still having trouble striking up a conversation after reading the tips above? Don't feel bad, that's okay. An accessible way to still show support is to send them a card We know from experience how incredibly warm it feels when a card arrives in the mail. The knowledge that someone is thinking of you is heartwarming. A small gesture, but with an immense impact. And simple to do! Via our website easily send a card to someone who could use one.
How can the Stamps app help?
Tell your loved ones about the Stamps app. It is easy to write down your grief and for loved ones to respond. You can read along whenever you want to see how they are doing. And if you have questions or want to respond, you can do so in a place where you won't bother them. In my experience as a daughter living away from home, it made that period so much easier. You stay involved and can offer support without always knowing what to say. Would you like to recommend the Stamps app to someone? Gebruik het berichtje hiernaast!
Dear Eva, I'm wondering how you're doing. Are you familiar with the Stamps app yet? It allows you to easily keep your loved ones updated. And at the same time, write down how you're doing. You can download the free app here or read more: https://www.stamps-app.com/download/. I hope to hear from you, love